A night on the town; alone in my living room.

Tonight, Friday night.  I stood, eyes closed, facing the column in the entryway, leaning in closely, drawing upon the strength of architecture to keep balanced.

It was there; standing tall, eyes closed, facing this white column; I release a deep breath.

I dreamt of a great dancer.
A dancer with calves of steel.
A dancer with the shoulders of a greek deity.
A dancer with great balance and agility.

I danced as the young Prince in the Nutcracker.
I performed a contemporary modern piece with Neve Campbell.
Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor met me inside the magical elephant at the Moulin Rouge.  I always thought that scene was missing something without me. : )
    The skies glistened as we spoke of Truth, Beauty, Freedom and most of all Love.
             and of course, we sang "Our Song" atop the elephant close to the midnight sky.

Bernadette Peters joined my for a playful version of "Happy Days are Here again.." Friends and family joned us for a night cap.  MaMuse bid us farewell performing "Chico Gospel"  

Tonight, Friday night.  I stood, eyes closed, facing the column in the entryway, leaning in closely, drawing upon the strength of architecture to keep balanced.

It was delightful.

@kevinlythought

Drowning or living life?

The last few weeks have been pretty incredible.  A little background of what has been going through my mind since January of 2012.  I was pretty much convinced that my mental and neurological health declined pretty drastically.  Increased seizures, consistent lethargy, and no matter how joyful the experience, I have felt an abyss of sadness in my heart.   But finally I got fed up.

Three weeks ago I called my neurologist just ready to let it all go.  Yes, I mean quit, cease to exist.  I am not talking about taking any drastic measures to end my life, but I was just tired of fighting, working and managing every single activity in my life in a way that insure I would be "ok"; seizure free.  That meant turning down invitations to join friends for dinner if I knew it was a crowded restaurant.  It also meant staying inside during the hot summer days to regulate my temperature from overheating.  I found myself isolating in my home, often times nervous to simply walk to the end of my drive to retrieve the mail for fear that a neighbor might engage me in conversation and I might lose my ability to speak in that moment from an episode.

Everyday I woke up, went through my list of things to support myself in having a good day.  Meditation, reading, journaling, making my bed, eating breakfast, working out at home, keeping myself as active as I could within the confines of my home.  Hesitant to work in the yard or even call a friend to talk because my life was beginning to close in on me.  Feeling like I had turned 90 since my 40th birthday I was ready to throw in the towel, fall asleep and peacefully find my way to the phase of life; total rest.  But something in me stirred; a combinations of social interactions with the recognition of fortunate I really I am to be living the life I am suddenly snapped me out of sadness to anger and frustration.

That anger and frustration with managing my health or what I am beginning to understand as "hiding" from life catapulted me to speak out.  I called my neurologist and for the first time in a very long time I find my voice.

"I am not happy, my quality of life has continued to decline in this past year and I feel like I am growing more and more crazy."

I guess feeling more comfortable cuddling in bed all day with my cats Gracie and Jake rather than stepping out my front door to experience the fullness of life began to weigh on me.  Is this the life I want to be living?

So after a normal EEG, an MRI scan of my brain that proved there was no new scarring or bleeding in my brain and a blood test that showed I was no longer on a good therapeutic level of anticonvulsants my medical team and I had some solid information to move forward.  Each step of the way I was frustrated by good news, thinking if my EEG is normal than what is wrong with me?  If my brain has not bled any more or if there are no new scars than when I am suffering so much?  But the blood level results returned me to sanity.  Knowing that the medications I take to manage these episodes were not at an effective level gave me peace.  Finally, an answer that made some sense.  I was not going crazy, I was not losing my mind, I was just in need of an adjustment in my medicine.

This year has been a beautiful year filled with new friends and fun experiences but all were underscored by my own perception of my impending debilitation.  2012, my 40th year of life was beginning to feel like the turning point from living a life filled with beauty, love, adoration for the creation of each day into a year of "lasts" and acceptance of the status quo.  And that status quo was the acceptance that over the next few years I would no longer be able to take care of myself. I would need a live-in health care provider or need to be in assisted living of some sort.  My thoughts were heavy and dark and the hardest thing about it all as I look back on it; it just seemed like the natural course of events to me.  I had accepted my life as being a steady decline to further dependence on others and a slow migration from living life to living out my death.

Today, it is nearly three weeks from my last seizure episode.  Today, I trust that I still have a life to live.  Today, I realize those thoughts of resignation were merely a dream; a collection of tiny fears piled up from many experiences both physical and emotional that began to drown my Spirit in worst case scenarios.

Today, I am alive.  I meditate.  I exercise. I nourish my body.  I make my bed.  I take my medications. I write and I will step outside for a breath of fresh air.   Perhaps through the course of today I will encounter a new miracle of life to remind of how good things can be perceived.

Today I am Kevin.

An average morning...

Gracie’s whiskers tickle my cheek; her purr so loud I can feel the vibrations through the mattress.  I open my eyes to meet hers staring back at me.  She is a full figured beautiful black cat.  Every morning she sits beside my shoulder and waits.  Purring, gazing, making biscuits, anticipating the moment I open my eyes.  I start massaging the scruff of her neck, rubbing beneath her chin, and then holding my fist steady so she can rub her cheek as hard as she wants sending her into a luxurious purring kitty trance.  I savor that moment we share together.  That simple moment cuddling, petting and being with one another.     

 YES! my big girl.   I’m getting up! 

I tell her and pat her on the butt.  She hops off the bed and leaves me be.   It is such a sweet moment.  Yawning and stretching, my body feels good today.  Rolling to my side, I feel my rock hard cock brush against the soft linen sheets.  Thank God for hormone replacement therapy, it has not only given me back my favorite toy but I no longer suffer from insomnia and night sweats.   Tucking a pillow between my legs, I retract to a fetal position sensing the cool soft fabric against the head of my shaft.  Tightly I curl up, holding and cuddling myself within the sheets.  Mmmm, It feels so good to be in my body.  I hesitate to move.  My mind wakes and fear sets in.   

What if during this night, the part of my brain that hemorrhaged 12 years ago, began to bleed again?   What if once I leave the comfort and sanctity of my bed I discover my right leg is paralyzed once more?   Then I get a grip and the optimist in me speaks. What if I get out of bed and stand tall on my own two feet.   What if I feel so good I decide to go mow my lawn.  I imagine the roar of the mower, the combined smells of grass clippings, gas fumes and sweat.  I love grunging up my yard shoes, sweating from manual labor and keeping the sun out of my eyes with a cowboy hat.  What if once I finish the yard I kick off those shoes and sit for a spell, swinging on the front porch, looking out at my beautiful gardens, trying to cool down.  That sounds nice, doesn’t it? 

But the heat is too much and I enter the house and walk fully clothed into the shower.  I am very hot, sweaty and covered in yard debris.  As the cool water passes over me I slowly peel off my shirt, shorts, and lastly my socks.  I stand there naked, cool water rushing over me waiting for some comfort from the heat.  Yet, I never cool down. 

I step out of the shower confused and dizzy.  I wonder what I have done.  Mindful that I just took a shower but uncertain of what to do next.  Instinctively I towel off but notice my hand has cramped up in a tight grip, my right cheek taut.  I stumble my way to the bed frustrated that I have done too much, been overheated and managed to trigger a seizure.      I reach for the glass of water on the bedside table and I drink.  Water makes me feel alive again; it cools me from the inside out, and washes down the extra pills I need to assure my safety through this episode.  Then I remember that scenario to be just a memory; a mere recollection from 2 weeks prior when I dashed outside to cut the lawn early in the morning.   All these tormenting images flash through my mind and yet I am still cuddling safely in bed with serious morning wood.   I really just need to pee.  

Just then Gracie jumps on my hip, claiming the side of body as a runway, she sashays up to my shoulder, purring, nuzzling, extending her neck so her wet nose tickles my ear.  There I am again.  In that moment. 

Alright, alright, Gracie.  I am getting up.   

She jumps to the floor; I toss off the covers and scurry to the bathroom to relieve the pressure of an overactive bladder.    Ah, that felt good.  I stand naked facing the bathroom mirror.    You made it through another night, Kevin.   You woke up to see another day.    I pop back my medications, brush my teeth put on some grungy socks, torn up shorts and a ratty t-shirt.  .   Understanding the possible outcome, having experienced what often times does happen.   I grab my cowboy hat, head for the front door, slip on my grungy shoes and start mowing my lawn.  This morning I feel good.  This afternoon, we’ll see.  

Sunday afternoon I received a phone call from my neurologist.  He had good news.  My MRI showed no change from my previous scan over 5 years ago.  I had a fantasy that he would call me confused and baffled by the fact that my current MRI revealed a total and complete healing of all the scars in my brain.  I also had a fear that he might require me to come visit him in person to get the results because there was something new that showed up, perhaps a diagnosis of MS, or even more bleeding.  But that was not the case.  His phone call landed right in the middle.  Same old, same old!  Sometimes the status quo is just enough to make me smile.  

All is good.  

Now on to the next phase of increased medications to manage the increased seizures.  Keep moving forward, Kevin.  Keep moving forward.  

What a week.  It seems like I have experienced more seizures in the last 6 months than I have in a very long time.  To be completely honest, this week, I am completely over it.  I know other people have worse issues and I am grateful for the life that I do have.  Things could definitely be worse.  But today, today I am sad.  Sad and tired of feeling lost and confused during the day.  Sad and tired of feeling like I am losing my mind slowly.  I would imagine tomorrow I will feel better. I usually do.  But today, I am just sleepy, groggy and not willing to put up a fight.  My trip to the grocery store was a little unnerving.  I forgot my list and without my list I was lost.  Lost in thought, lost in what I was doing there and lost in my own anxiety that I just might have a seizure in the middle of the store and wake up with an EMT standing over me.  But that did not happen.  I got a few things for today and came right home.

So I sit here, with my cat, Gracie.  She keeps purring and crawling on top of me and that makes me feel a little better.  For now, I am going to take Bella, (my friends dog) for a short walk on this beautiful day and just breathe.   I will do what I need to shift my attitude, but I am going to allow myself to be sad for now.  Life is full of peaks and valleys.

Shiny penny.

Some days I feel like a shiny new penny.  Whether I be part of the collection a little boy that delightfully adds me to his piggy bank for future dreams or I become a world traveler stowed away in pocketbooks, wallets, dashboard compartments or the tatter coin purse of a little old lady making her way to the local Kroger.  There is great expectation in the life of a shiny new penny.  So much unknown, so much to see to reflect, worlds to encounter and even joy to bring when I am left on an abandoned parking lot driveway.

Waiting, waiting, waiting for that lucky optimist to pick me and notice I am heads-up.  Yes, its true, most days I wake feeling like a shiny penny, filled with promise and expectation.

But then there are days like yesterday.   Days that my shiny new finish feels tarnished; even sticky from the soft drink spilled on me last week, or the chewed gum stuck to my tails just wont let go.   Days when my shiny finish feels insignificant among the lint, fuzz and crinkled up receipt crowding me in a dark drawer.   There are days that no matter how shiny my new finish might be, the absence of light leaves no reflection for my shiny finish to glow.  On these days, I remember that it cost more to make me than I am actually worth and I tarnish myself.

Wishing, wishing, wishing that somehow my shiny finish will somehow make it through to the next day when perhaps that drawer is opened and I am given the opportunity to shine in the sun.  Wishing and dreaming for the day that I can flip proudly in the air, landing in the palm of some hand that will honor and cherish my wisdom,  Heads or Tails.  Both have merit.  Both have wisdom. Both are always present with me.

But days like yesterday.  Days like yesterday when the expectation to be all I can be, shine as bright as I can, dispel wisdom to myself or to others are all lost to me.  Lost to me from the lint in my head and the sticky gum at my tail.

Today, I remember that some days I do get to shine in the sun, some days I do get to travel the world, some days I even get polished and cleaned by an enthusiastic child adding me to their collection.  

Sometimes shiny.
Sometimes tarnished.
Sometimes just wading through the lint, fuzz, sticky gum and crinkled up receipts.  
But deep down, I will always be a shiny new penny from head to tail.  

How big a God can you see?

Written Fall 2010

In the fall, the oak tree drops acorns on the ground. The acorn lay dormant for the winter but come spring it begins to grow. It gestates and readies itself to release from beneath the soil its first stem. That stem grows to support foliage and with ease and natural order that acorn grows to its full potential; an oak tree. This process occurs naturally and beautifully as all the elements of nature conspire to support growth. The rain falls, the soil nurtures and the sun warms the tree; each contributing to the creation of beauty and the strength.

You asked me to share how big a God can I see? This same force of nature that transformed the small acorn into a grand oak tree, is the same force of nature that yields the forces of thunderstorms, the same that creates the breathtaking views of the Grand Canyon and the exact same force that brings a smile to a child’s face. How big a God can I see? I see a God so big that it is present in the purr of my cats while it attends to the thoughts and dreams of a soldier abroad. I see a God so big that it constantly and consistently creates each and every molecule and cell in the universe. I see a God that creates musicals, writes plays and books and entertains. I see a God that inspires, supports and gives energy and life-force to be expressed artistically. I see a God that celebrates every cell of the universe, a God so present that all things manifest through it. I see a God with its power and law clearly pushing the buttons of creation to formulate words. I know that God is in every sunrise, every word spoken and every thought given. I witness the changing leaves out my window and behold the magnificence of God in the minutest things. I understand that each leaf with God’s presence within, combined with all other aspects of the tree, the landscape and the skies create a spectacular visual experience and harmonic vibration of grandeur. The same power that creates the changing leaves generates the wonder and force of Niagara Falls.

If this God I know is truly the power and presence behind all things then I too am a complete materialization of its ability. As I witness God’s creative power in my environment I am acutely aware that all things creative flowing through me. Feeling the influence of natural order on my thoughts I trust the evolving Spirit of life’s inspiration to flow through me. I embrace my union with this creative God and trust that the same focus and ease of nature’s creation is mine to behold as there is only One-Mind and One-Power flowing through all things.

Awakening from the fog...

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling lost and confused.  I managed to get through some "details" of the day that needed my attention.  Calling in for a refill, talking with my nurse to clarify a few things about my medications but mostly I called her because I was lonely and a little scared.  Yesterday, turned out to be a day of confusion and misfires in my brain.  A general haze came over me mid afternoon and I suddenly found myself in my home with no understanding or concept of what was real.  This confusion lingered most of the day even as I spoke with a few close friends on the phone.  "are you OK?" "Kevin, it sounds like your not all there, whats going on?"

Of course, Mom called me to talk and she always knows when something is wrong with me.   She told me she loved me and would check in with me later when I got through the groggy fog of my neurological systems misfires.

Today, I feel warn out.  Warn out from the extra medications I took to cease the revolving currents in my brain.  Warn out from the apparent misfires and disconnects that create the fog and confusion.  Warn out from my lack of activity and rest  my body needed to squelch the tremors on the right side of my body  To be able to wake up this morning feeling groggy from meds, but clearer in thought.   Each day I wake, knowing that all will be well.  But within those days, I experience days like yesterday, when all might be well in the Spirit of my life, but all is chaotic in the neurological system of my life.  Life is confusing and cloudy and language seems like a lost art form slipping from lips with each conversation I attempt.

I know today that I will continue to do my best to allow the passage of these events to release from my system with grace and ease.  I do my best to stay positive and keep my chin up.  But sometimes, its just dam hard to do so.

My intention for the future is that my body's need for retreating from life for an entire afternoon, day or even a few days dissipates with grace and ease and I continue to experience life with an open heart, with optimism, with compassion for myself and my body and acceptance in the understanding that even though some days seem to be worse than others, there are still always days filled with joy, activity, friendships and wonder.  There are always days that I feel better that the day before.

A new world order.

What is friendship? A few years ago a good friend of mine gave me a refrigerator magnet that states:

“Friendship is when you know everything about someone and love them anyway.”

That seems like a good definition to me and I have embraced that concept many times especially when I have been challenged by the actions of others in my life. Having a foundation of love is a key element to enjoying the relationships I cultivate. But I think acceptance of someone can be taken one step further.

What if the refrigerator magnet stated:

“Friendship is uplifting the people and relationships in our lives through our actions towards and language”

Now I have been told in the past that I am naïve and gullible for several different reasons which are really not my concern at this point. Because no matter how naïve or gullible one might believe I am, I am going to do my best to see the best in them. Finding the beauty in another person can truly be an amazing journey of joy, laughter, admiration and inner peace.

I am 37 years old and every day I struggle with seeing the faults in this world. I see the negative news, I witness the driver cut me off on the street, I am greeted by the stoic grump at the bagel shop and the customer service rep from the bank is rude and annoyed by my inability to understand why I am getting an extra charge on my account this month. One of my closest friends tells me I am fat while another informs me that I need to get serious about my career. On some days I get so frustrated by the interactions around me that I just want to run away and be left alone. But my real frustration comes from the simple concept that I believe we as people should hold the intention to uplift another through our actions and language toward another.

I know my idea for a refrigerator magnet may sound hokey. But imagine a world in which we not only did our best to uplift our friends but we did our best to uplift everyone we come in contact with throughout the day. Smiling to the receptionist at the bank, yielding to traffic on the street, showing everyone the patience, dignity and respect that you would give yourself?

I know my ideals are lofty and I have certainly not mastered the art of living life in such a gracious and caring way. I get grumpy, moody, irritated and my feelings get hurt and I am sure I have hurt others too. But I am becoming more conscious and mindful of my actions and behaviors and doing my best to frame my life with a loving, supportive theme to the best of my ability no matter what happens around me.

So perhaps the idea of friendship meaning that you know everything about someone and you love them anyway can go beyond our inner circle of life. Perhaps we may not know everything about someone, but can’t we lift them up with our actions anyway? Can’t we acknowledge the inner beauty in another with the same ease that we see the negative? Can’t we open our eyes to see how amazing someone is and embrace that part of that, talk about that part of them, uplift the good parts in them?

I am going to do my best to embrace the beauty in others including myself.

A little lovin’ goes a long way.

Just a regular morning with a heightened awareness.

This morning I woke from slumber tangled up the softness of a puffy comforter, pillows tossed about me as if they are strategically protecting and comforting my body. Two silky black felines share the bed; Gracie and Jake anticipate mornings to compete for my attention. First it’s important that I reveal at least one of my feet from beneath the covers. Jake is a toe licker in the morning so I begin to endure his gritty tongue and smile through closed eyes as I can feel the vibration of his loud purr through the mattress springs.

Gracie is a little more aggressive in getting my attention. On this particular morning she sat just beside my neck and stared down into my eyes. I sensed her crouching down closer as her whiskers began to tickle my nose and I could feel her delicate breath caress my cheek. She is usually the morning alarm. The two personalities are very funny. Once Jake gets his fill of me which usually takes about 5 minutes he is off to start his day of slumber and play and pretty much takes care of himself. But Gracie demands my attention most days during every waking hour that I am home. It starts off in bed with a scratch behind the ears and a little pat on the bottom. Then she sits and continues to wait, just watching and waiting me for to hop out of bed and follow her to the kitchen. I made the mistake of feeding her some canned food in the mornings for a short period of time; she still keeps the faith that I will do that again some day. Even though her dish is always full of dry food she still chases me to her dish in the morning and wags her tail and talks to me anticipating, hoping, and maybe even praying for a nibble of that juicy kibble from a can. So every morning I humor her, I walk to the kitchen, I shake her bowl for her, I freshen up her water and then she eats a little. After the foundations of my feline activities are complete I tend to some pressing needs of my own which usually involves exercise. Today I slipped on my sneakers and went for a jog.

I love to jog with music in my ears and I find that with a little theme music along the way I can kick into a higher gear than just jogging in silence. Maybe some day I will enjoy the silence but the distraction and the uplifting sounds keep me focused on my path and inspire me to positive thought along the way.

Today feels like a special day though. Nearly 9 years I had a brain hemorrhage in my left frontal lobe and a stroke in my right frontal lobe. Nearly 17 years ago I completed 3 years of chemotherapy and radiation treatment for leukemia. Today as I feel my feet repetitively grip the ground an enormous sense of gratitude flows through my system. Outside of the obvious part of still being alive and having survived those experiences I felt grateful that after all these years my life finally seems to be taking some form of adult-like shape. I find myself getting more submerged in a healthy train of thought. All those negative voices that used to scorn and taunt me no longer rule my conscious thought. I find myself more often feeling gratitude than depression. I find myself not only accepting my body with all its complications but loving it and nurturing it more often than before. I notice that it has become more of a habit for me to take deep breaths when I am faced with situations that challenge me. In those deep breaths I share a moment with my Higher Power and activate the process of letting go sooner than I have in the past. Today, as I went for my jog, I felt stronger than I have in years. This day is a very powerful day so far as I look back at my history and view my experiences as stepping stones to create this wonderful life I live today.

My life may not be very adventurous, and it may not sound very exciting to most. But nearly 9 years I had a brain hemorrhage in my left frontal lobe and a stroke in my right frontal lobe. Nearly 17 years ago I completed 3 years of chemotherapy and radiation treatment for leukemia. Today it feels good to have an ordinary life. It is good to feel the pressure of the ground absorbed beneath the soles of my feet as I jog around the neighborhood. Catching my breath every few minutes with a fast-paced walk relieves my aching calves and centers my stride for my next interval of jogging; my next journey to experience life with gratitude.

As I capped off my morning ritual with making fresh juice in my Jack LaLane juiceri showering and taking my medications, I realized that my focus and attention on my health requires an uplifting perception of gratitude from where I have come. It's been easy in the past to reflect regretfully but today it feels good to be alive.

This morning I woke with two loving felines by my side vying for my attention; I felt loved and appreciated. I took a jog with two healthy legs and I experienced a great sense of peace. This was a good morning.

Some people bird-watch, today I people-watch.

Today I spent time with a good friend. She is more like a sister, soul-mate or ever partner in life than just a friend. She and I have always shared a common bond in life; it seems we always seem to be going through similar situations at the same times in our lives. I am short on cash, she is short on cash. She is having romantic troubles, I find myself lost in another one-sided relationship. Even when we are not sharing parallel experiences we always meet on common ground. We both believe that our lives are blessed with a sense of Divine Light and a Divine Love that not only follows us everywhere we go, but It leads us, It shines through us and It nurtures us every step of the way. And when we forget or neglect that guidance, we are always there to remind each other of It's presence.

So today, as I listen to all the wonderful things happening in her life I am inspired to watch her life grow and expand. I look forward to witnessing her Light expand and shine through front and center in her life. I anticipate the impact she will have on all her students and I celebrate her success today. I trust that everything is lining up for her in perfect form and that every step of the way she is will be greeted with the same respect she shares with others. I know that her passion for her work will open her up to all the right people that will not only share her passion but will nurture and support her along the way.

There are two women in m life that I share this special Spiritual-bond. They are both beautiful and they are both artists in their own right. And whats even greater is that they are both stepping into a new era in their lives. An era in which they will experience their personal power. They will shine in their creativity. And the will both continue to inspire me. I am grateful to share my life with them.

Congratulations to both of you. I am going to enjoy watching your new experiences unfold.

My Second Grade Crush

Carrie was sassy, snotty, cruel, and arrogant; I loved her, she sat next to me in first grade. Her Dorothy Hammel haircut suit her well, she spent mornings before school training for ice skating competitions. I dreamed about her in the Olympics. I was jealous. None of the boys would tease her – they were afraid of her. She was strong, glamorous, determined and successful. Whether I loved her or just wanted to be her is still in question? Mine and Carrie’s was perhaps my first dysfunctional relationship.

I decided to do what every decent man would do. Flowers or chocolate, I just could not decide. There was no special holiday and it was no where near her birthday. I didn’t even know her birthday. I was a reasonable 6 year-old and looked over my finances; the chocolate and flowers would not work.

That night I consulted my therapist, Mom. She had answers to the dramatic dilemmas and she pulled through with the perfect solution for me to express my feelings within my financial constraints. One sheet of pink Kleenex, a piper cleaner a little work and she assured me that we would have a beautiful carnation in no time. These were household items; I did not even have to get chauffeured to the store. Things were looking up for my love and I.

Mom stocked a drawer full of art and craft supplies. She suggested we make a few trial samples together and then when I was ready she would leave me to create my masterpiece. We snipped, cut and taut with the diligence of Dr. Frankenstein and Egor. We puffed fluffed and coifed, after all my love life was at stake here. Finally, I was ready. I chose my materials wisely. Color and texture are essential to any good piece of art. I had to be sure. Soft pink tissue, a dark green pipe cleaner and an additional silk leaf to add that extra authenticity to my creation. I deliberated upon my tasks and set forth with fierce conviction to each step outlined by mom. The end result! What a sight. I was so proud and Mom was impressed with my work. I gave life to this creation. It was beautiful. I made it. Once Carrie laid here eyes on this she was certain to return my affection. Mom reveled in my excitement. My naïve ability to express affection without fear was probably quite refreshing to a mother of 4 and wife of a drinking man. I walked around the house with the flower practicing my presentational speech to Carrie.

“Carrie. We have been sitting side by side for quite some time and I think it is about time that we clear the air and define where this is leading. Truth is I may not be available for very much longer. There is a higher ratio of girls to boys in the second grade class. It is time we make a formal decision for our future. With that in mind I present to you this flower. I made specifically for you with intentions of love. Please accept this gift as a symbol of everlasting dedication to one another.”

Pleased with my rehearsal I lay the gift on my nightstand. The glow of the night-light illuminated the intricate tufts of tissue and subtle shades of pink. What a vision! I did not sleep very well. Tossing and turning with excitement and nerves for the upcoming exchange.
The noisy bus ride to school lasted forever. I daydreamed myself as a White Knight taking passage with a troop of circus players in hopes to return my fair maidens enchanted rose stolen by the barbarians of the north. Perhaps I unfairly placed the boisterous children on the bus in the role of circus players. A yammering group of psychotic prisoners may have been more appropriate. No one would spoil this precious event. No one would deprive my passion the opportunity to shine in the light of my love’s eyes.

The gift was safely stowed in my satchel and would remain there until the exact moment. . That moment when the planets align and the stars illuminate the sky to praise the forthcoming joy. That moment of complete tranquility in the world. That moment that God lays his hand on my soul and blesses the sanctity of my love. That moment when the conductor strikes up the orchestra filling the classroom with overtures of love. That moment when Carrie smiles and says…

It’s beautiful – You are my one and only White Knight!

I arrived at my desk. Carrie was scrambling for her workbook – we were analyzing the letter “L” at that point in our studies. I was rehearsed. I was ready. I reached into my bag, pulled out the paper flower and extended it out to Carrie, took a deep breath and said...And said!

Oh shit! What was I going to say to her? I was so nervous I forgot my whole speech. Suddenly I felt the words working their way to my lips. Yes! Yes! Here they are! It’s coming. I think its coming! Carrie noticed me facing her. She sat motionless with my image in her peripheral, it was obvious she knew something was up and my deadening stare definitely concerned her.

“Here!” I blurted out. “I made you this! Here!”

Oy, I sounded so dumb! What the hell was that? You idiot! You blew it all at once. My obsession over the perfect presentation culminated in "HERE! I MADE YOU THIS!" What a shmuck I was.

“What’s this?” Carrie snapped.

“It’s for you!”

“I know how to make those!” And she casually turned away.

“But I made it for you: Take it.”

She hesitated, rolled her eyes, grabbed it, gave me a quick toothless grin, dropped it in her desk and slammed the desktop shut smashing my perfect creation. She didn’t even say thanks! I sat beside her all day wanting to open up her desk and take back the flower.

That night Mom helped me drown my sorrow with a frozen fudgical. I explained to Mom that she didn’t even say thanks. By our second round of fudgicals I started feeling better.

“Don’t worry sweetie. Some day, some girl is gonna fuss over your beauty marks on those cute cheeks of yours and you will both be very happy.”

Happy like her and Dad? I thought to myself. Was she happy?

I fell asleep that night nursing my first heart break and drifting into the peaceful dreams of adolescence. As I began that shift from wake to deep sleep my dog, Toby barked and jumped from my bed as my bedroom door swung open from Mom’s entry. Something was wrong, she did not look like the kind compassionate mom that I just devoured chocolate treats with. She swiftly gathered me up from my bed and we headed out the door through the hallway and out to the car. Everything was moving so fast. I was floating through the air and confused as to how I was traveling through the hallway without taking one step from my bed.

“We’re going to get your father!”

“But I don’t have my shoes”

As she placed me in the passenger seat of her car she hesitated, perplexed. I felt like I could actually see her mind questioning her actions. In a huff she shut the car door and left me alone in the garage only to appear a few moments later carrying my sneakers. I was still half asleep as she dropped them in my lap, shut her door and started the car. She was on one of her missions I was just uncertain what this one was about. I scanned my memory in hopes to recall what misdeed I had participated in the past week to suborn such behavior. Slipping my sneakers onto my bare feet it was only a few moments before we arrived at a small neighborhood bar. Mom pulled up alongside of Dad’s car. Suddenly her mission became clear. This trip was not about me. She picked me up in her arms and headed toward the door of the tiny building. My blue and white pajamas glistened as we made our way near the neon sign titled Miller. The place was dark and quiet and there were about 10 adult men randomly sitting around the bar. Large glasses, some full of beer others with other dark colored liquids that I recognized from the liquor cabinet at home. Dad sat alone. He did not seem surprised to see us. It was as if he was expecting us to show up. I guess he knew his wife was just crazy enough to pull her 6-year old son out of bed to come and find him drowning in a mug of beer. Or maybe he was just so drunk that he was in a walking coma. But Mom gently sat me on the bar stool next to Dad and said...

“Here, you take care of him tonight. He is your son too.”

Then she left.

Dad asked. “You want a soda?”

“Sure.” I yawned.

He gestured to the bartender. I drank my Pepsi and wondered if Dad ever made Mom a flower.

Three dreams manifest, transition but will never be lost...

As I child I dreamed of being a famous entertainer. I would stand on the front of my mother’s vacuum using the handle as a pretend microphone and sometimes lip-sync and sometimes belt out my own tune. I begin to dream even bigger when the likes of Michael Jackson hit charts and I watched this cute young boy become an American Icon. He served as a great catalyst for me to dream my own dreams, and I honor him for that.

Then of course there was watching Charlie’s Angels. There beauty and grace under pressure and their ability to pull it all together and still look fabulous catapulted my dreams of becoming an actor. Farrah was so beautiful and I still remember that classic photo I had of her taped to my bedroom wall with her feathered hair and beautiful eyes lulling me to sleep at night. She served as a protector for me during troubled adolescent times. Somehow her beauty and strength transcended the screen and I am grateful for her support.

Now we all have dreams of winning the lottery. But to take it one step further I think we all can relate to the joy and excitement and watching someone win the lottery. Of course I would embrace winning the lottery and having Ed McMahan knock on my door was always in the back of my mind. But for Ed, it seemed he was more consumed with laughter and joy than anyone I know in the limelight. He laughed with Johnny Carson and he played with some of the most famous celebrities. And he did it all just by being, himself; a fun-loving man with a great sense of humor. Thank you, Mr. McMahan for being a light in this world.

It is amazing how three people that symbolize such basic American dreams of success, joy and kindness have all transitioned within such a short period of time. Today I reflect on their genius, their talent, their humor and their inspirational and imperfect lives.

Today I touched the earth. I tilled the soil with my bare hands and sweat beneath the scorching heat of the sun.

I felt close to God.

Today is a good day.

Omni-what?

There are so many cliché sayings in this world, so many philosophies and religions to learn from but what happens when they all seem to fall short in your eyes? What happens when the answers I seek I no longer find in a book, from a guru or from some deity in the sky? When do I start looking within for my intuitive guidance and letting the prefabricated deities of history do what they do best; sleep in everlasting peace.

In catholic school I learned that God was omnipresent. The concept of God watching over me all the time, judging me, supporting me, criticizing me, smiling or even laughing at me gave me the creeps. I mean why did this all-knowing Being care if I was playing in the creek with the salamanders or helping my mom in the garden? But the nuns instilled a certain amount of fear in us that God was not just watching over us to protect us but to be sure that we were doing the “right” thing. In other words, God wanted to catch me in a sin so he could keep score and give me the proper punishment for my sins. But in the same breath the nuns told me that God loved me unconditionally and that as a human being I could never understand the depth of that unconditional love.

Even as a small child something seemed disconnected in the idea of an unconditionally love God. that judges me. If God loved me unconditionally and always watched over me to see if I was sinning, than why wouldn’t he instantly forgive me for my sins. Furthermore, why would he judge me in the first place? Unconditional love is after all, Unconditional. Without conditions, meaning that no matter what you do I still love you, right? And why would a loving God or person for that matter want to smite me or banish me to the bowels of eternal hell and damnation if he truly did love me. Doesn’t love by definition involve embracing someone for whom and what they are? Doesn’t love supersede all transgression and affirm life with a wholesome hug? Isn’t love an expression of caring and nurturing?

But last year I was taking a metaphysics class and I learned a different definition of omnipresent. This definition shifted my entire awareness of God, love and life. The direct translation of omnipresent in reference to God means that…

ALL OF GOD IS PRESENT IN ALL THINGS ALL THE TIME.

Now that has a completely different tone because if God is in all things, than God must be in me too, right? And if God is in all things that means God is not only watching but participating in EVERYTHING! Which leads me to a very strong conclusion; perhaps the nuns were right in one regard. God is unconditional love. To love something unconditionally is to immerse oneself in it. To love unconditionally is to not only embrace but celebrate all aspects of it. And if all of God is truly in all things at all times not only does it give me a headache trying to figure the mystery of how that can be but it also gives me peace of mind knowing that God is not watching over me like a disciplinarian, but working, playing, walking, laughing, crying and experiencing life through and with me all the time. To be by someone’s side no matter what, now that is unconditional love.

Knowing the true definition of omnipresent brings me back to my initial question…

What happens when the answers I seek I no longer find in a book, from a guru or from some deity in the sky? When do I start looking within for my intuitive guidance...?

I guess the time is now. Perhaps today I will go exploring with the understanding that all of God is in all of things all the time. I am bound to have a good time with the Creator of everything giving the tour.

Sometimes it is so easy to think the world is conspiring against me. Traffic, bills, the slow cashier at the grocery store or the inaudible customer service representative from Comcast; each one seems to swift in the blow of the uncontrollable circumstances in my life that often times seem to work against me. But are they really working against me? Or are they road signs to awaken me to a better understanding of a daily Spiritual journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my bad days and many of my friends can testify that I suffer from depression and anxiety at times. But one thing I have come to understand through it all. It is important for me to understand that my PERCEPTION of the circumstances around me is where the true conspiracy lies.

Many religions and spiritual teachings discuss the need for prayer and meditation; taking time out from hectic days to breathe and relax, center ourselves to find our inner peace. All this is a good thing. But I am dedicated to taking it one step further. I intend to focus on my inner-connectedness consistently throughout my days?

For example. Imagine I hop in the car for a trip to the grocery store. On my way there I try to tune into some good music on the radio but every station seems to have some loud obnoxious car dealership commercial or a DJ that likes to hear themselves speak more than play music. This could be irritating…

“God-demit! These stations suck!” Might be a reaction I could have…..

Or this could be an opportunity to drive in silence, roll down my windows and listen to the melodic sounds of the vibrant city around me. The birds chirping through the rustling leaves of the trees I just drove passed. The forceful breeze of the large truck that just sped by, the clicking of the cars turn signal as I round the corner to witness a whole new environment of sites and sounds on the road. The screeching wheels of the driver that slammed his brakes, the honking horn from the driver that he nearly slammed into and never neglect the rhythmic tones of the homeless wanderer talking aloud to himself in great detail with no concern of anyone listening in on his vocal expedition; all sounds waiting to be heard but rarely honored and simply noticed for what they are; the melodies of life.

So now I am in the groove of listening to the world around me and suddenly I notice that I have caught every single red light in my path. This could have been very irritating but the sounds of the world around me kept my mind so occupied that I really had no need to feel the irritation.

Besides, all the red lights gave me an opportunity to explore my physical body’s relationship to the vehicle I drive. I began to focus on the texture and temperature of the steering wheel. I mindfully sensed the pressure used to engage the brake pedal to come to a full stop. And then the alternating release of pressure it took and the motion of my foot, calf and leg to transition from the brake to the accelerator. Before long I began to enjoy the process of stopping at red lights. It gave me the time to embrace a new perspective on how my body works in conjunction with this incredible machine that gets me from place to place.

Finally, I arrive at the grocery store and am greeted with the cool air of the produce section and I continue to explore the sounds around, sensations and textures and colors as my body is moving throughout the store; the weight of the cart that I push and the shift in power you must exert as I fill the cart with different items.

Once I arrive at the cashier I find myself so enmeshed in this personal of observation and exploration that I have no other reaction to this new individual entering my world but to give her a big smile. I notice the subtle differences her in hair colors and the darkness of her bold eyes. I smile at her name badge and call her by name. “Thank you so much, Barb” And she smiles back at me and wishes me a good day. As I walk away, still smiling I wonder if she too has experienced all the eccentricies and wonderful details of life that I perceive.

I guess that does not matter what she perceived. I just enjoyed sharing a smile with her.

A wise friend once told me to try and see things “differently”. Today I chose to explore the world like it is brand spanking new!

When is it okay to just be content with life? I mean as an American, as a Spiritual Being that believes life is a journey of awakenings; when does it become okay for me to just be content with my life and no longer dream the "big" dreams?

At one point in my life I wished so intensely to be a famous actor. I wanted it so bad that I would literally get stomach aches just daydreaming about all the different roles I could play. I would get anxious about all the philanthropic things I could do with all my money and my influence as a public figure.

But today, there is a large portion of me that just feels content to rent out the basement of this house, do some yard work, hang out with friends and try out new recipes in my kitchen. I no longer dream the "big" dreams. I think about paying off debt and what my next meal will be. I think about when I will see my friends again and when my next trip to see my family will be. I no longer seek the answers to my future. I do my best to listen to my internal voice each and every day and stay in the present moment; that feels good to me. But, there is this small voice inside me that questions my current state of content.

Am I depressed? Am I so overwhelmed by the circumstances of health and finances that I lost my will to dream the "big" dreams? Have I just given up altogether and resigned to live a basic common life? Or am I truly happy?

I know I am grateful. I am grateful for the two furry little felines that share my home and keep me company. I am grateful for friends and family. I am grateful for this beautiful place I call home and I am grateful that I am in a position to rest and take good care of myself without the stress or fatigue of a 9 to 5 job.

But my gratitude does not dismiss the fact that I question the difference between being content and being happy. And even further, my content seems very close to the state of apathy. One thing I do know. I have lived a long life in my 37 years living. Much of which has been highlighted with some form of physical or mental condition but through it all I think I have found a certain strength in knowing that my happiness lies within me. My joy expresses in the relationships I share. My content rests in knowing that every day I try think the most positive uplifting thoughts about life that I possibly can even when those thoughts are not necessarily the most productive; they are still the best I can do at the moment.

So have I lost my ability to dream? I hope not? Have my dreams been resting on the back burner for awhile? Definitely. But I will not discount the possibility that some day I might begin to muse again. Someday I might begin to feel a greater sense of joy that moves beyond contentment and into excitement. Someday I might begin to live out loud again and move beyond this beautiful basement apartment I rent. Someday I might desire to live above ground with more sunshine, a better view and even a career; a dream of my own.

For now, I wrestle with this notion of being content.

Blessing or a Curse?

A few months ago I was made aware of the possibility of getting a large sum of money that I owe forgiven. Without going into all the details it all relied on the presence of a medical history and current day condition. What a tortured feeling it was to be offered forgiveness on nearly 85,000 dollars only because you are identified as being disabled. There is conflicted energy in that for me.

From one point of view I am ecstatic at the prospect of 85,000 pounds of weight being lifted from my shoulders. But on the other hand, accepting this generous gift and what some might call a miracle also relies on my acceptance of my health circumstance and history; being labeled permanently disabled. Ugh!

I try so hard to live a normal life but when I look at how my days have been since the onset of the “disability” I am aware of the huge difference in my days. I am aware that while I am grateful to be alive I get frustrated by my exhaustion. I am aware that I love my ability to dream and fantasize but I get saddened when it’s hard for me to understand the world around me. I am open and willing to experience love in my life but fearful of the prospect of rejection because of my limitations. Yes, I am aware that those limitations all spring forth from my own scared and frightened awareness that my life could end suddenly and there are so many things I still want to experience.

So why is it that I have not seized this opportunity for renewed life and accepted a new phase of experience from a differently-abled existence? Why is that I think and ponder, fantasize and agonize to the point of paralyzing myself from getting out into the world and experiencing it all?

I will tell you why. Because I am fearful that it will all be taken away from me again.

The same reason that when contacted about the forgiveness of an enormous amount of debt I kept my mouth shut and barely told a soul. Because I was fearful that if too many people found out about it would somehow be taken away from me and I would once again be burdened with 85,000 pounds of weight on my shoulders.

85,000 pounds, the love of my life, building a home, creating a great career, enjoying my life, celebrating each day, seizing every moment; it may sound corny to some or inspirational to others. But to me, it sounds absolutely horrifying.

I want that to change.

Boarded up, pent up, and locked up with no desire to release from the shackles. Locks, chains and gags tightened with my own grip searing pain through the emotional carcass of life. Handling my struggles and insecurities like a butcher on a rampage; is there no end in sight? For today I remain sequestered by the hideous monster within my thoughts. Crouching and wincing at its horrid perception of the man I have become I await a time that I can hear beyond the voices in my head and see a better vision of myself.

I do? I think...a dream I had last night.

Janet proposed to me and I accepted. It was her big day and I stepped back and let her make all the preparations for the wedding. There was something about the upcoming affair that didn’t seem right to me but I continued to support her. She was beautiful after all I would be a fool to deny her. My only responsibility was to dress myself, get the tuxedo. That was easy enough since my good friend had purchased a tuxedo for me last year for a fundraising event. Everything was working out fine for the wedding which meant I could focus on moving. At this point I had boxed up, wrapped and packaged all my belongings. They were all in storage conveniently located in the basement of the church.

The big day was here and Tony was on my mind. The beautiful blond athlete from high school that Janet held a torch for, well and so did I. I knew he would be there and I was excited to see how our coming together would work out. I mean coming together as Husband, Wife and Husband. Yes, it’s true. Janet had proposed to both of us. We would ALL be consummating the relationship on our wedding night. I could not help but think that poor Janet would be left all alone in the bridal bed of passion that night. But those thoughts were for later. Right now I was running late; I had to find my tux. Ravaging through the storage boxes I was delighted to discover that the shirt, vest and jacket fit perfectly. I looked handsome so far. Oddly, my vest which I remembered to be jet black in color like the rest of my tux was colored pumpkin. It didn’t matter much to me. That would set me apart from Tony, the conservative husband-to-be and was sure to let him know that I would be playing a very special role for him in our new found union.

The time had come and I was being called for the ceremony. Just then I pulled on the tuxedo pants only to find that not only did they fit like a dream but they were made of green faux fur. Hmm, I did not remember my tuxedo being designed by Elton John. I scrambled through my storage closet with desperate attempts to find the matching pants. I was sure that Janet and Tony would rethink this arrangement if I showed up in green faux fur pants, a pumpkin colored vest with my tuxedo jacket. Luckily there was a men’s clothing store attached my storage unit and the manager scurried to fit me into a nice fitted pair of tuxedo pants. The ceremony was held up for a few minutes but Janet and Tony did not seem to mind.

The receiving line at the reception was very odd. I did not recognize anyone in the wedding part and strangely enough, Janet was nowhere to be found. But Tony and I grazed the buffet line together; smiling at another, serving another. I knew this would be a good arrangement when Tony automatically ladled gravy onto my mash potatoes.

Thank you, Tony!

Janet who?