The Courage to accept rejection, or at least not what I wanted to hear.


My roomie and I decided to host a small brunch yesterday. I woke up, went for a jog/fast walk/pant-fast and started my day. It felt good to be alive and by the time we set forth to Whole Foods I was wide awake. The brunch was a great success. I made a egg, mushroom, scallions and cheese casserole and it was yummy! After a cook clean up we went for coffee are our now "regular" hang out Caribou! There were six of us in all and I was enjoying myself immensely. Then on one of my many stops to the bathroom to unload my overly sugared bladder from the Vanilla Coffee Cooler I just inhaled I saw those faintly familiar black rimmed glasses. I had not seen Derek since last week when I drove by Caribou and witnessed him drinking his coffee and studying on the outside deck. He caught my eye and we began chatting.

My internal dialogue was intense.

"Okay, Kevin! Don't screw this up. You have to at least mention that you want to get together with him. You MUST not chicken out! You must SEIZE this moment! Who cares if he says no! Besides, look at how cute his little smile is when he talks. And notice how he looks you straight in the eyes when you talk to him. Isn't it obvious that he is just as attracted to you as you are to him? And think of you first kiss and how romantic it will be. What about when you bring him home to meet your family and how much fun it will be telling the story together just like all the cute couples did in "When Harry Met Sally"

When Derek asked me what I do outside of write I begin to sense my inner dialogue had taken hold of too much of my brain space and stuttered with a response. Ah yes, my infamous inability to explain what it is that I do came crashing down upon me once more. I managed to transition the conversation by telling him that I would enjoy talking more and that we should get together sometime. I told him that I would love to hang out with him. Without hesitation, as if it were rehearsed, he replied...

"I have a boyfriend, so I could not go out on a date with you, but if you wanted to hang out as friends that would be okay."

I know I am not supposed to have expectations especially in dealing with men but in that moment I felt my heart sink. I have not asked someone out in years and the first time that I do it turns out he has a boyfriend. Or does he? Afterall, stating claim to a boyfriend is one of the classic "get lost" lines in the gay culture. Perhaps, I have fallen prey to some form of fib to push me away. Once I got a grip on myself, pulled my heart up from the caverns of my gut I walked with Derek outside and I returned to my friends.

As I sat down a great sense of accomplishment overcame my Spirit. I did it! I actually put myself out there and asked him out. I can do this I thought to myself. Why was I so damn scared. I am still walking, talking and laughing. The moment had passed, Derek has some idea that I am interested in him and I have the pleasure of knowing that I actually took a step toward meeting someone new. Who knows, maybe we will become friends some day too. This was a very good day!

And to top it all off! I scored a great pair of jeans at Old Navy for only $9.99, I had Thai food for dinner and we stopped in a Sex Shop on the way home! I think I see a butt plug in my future.