When is it okay to just be content with life? I mean as an American, as a Spiritual Being that believes life is a journey of awakenings; when does it become okay for me to just be content with my life and no longer dream the "big" dreams?

At one point in my life I wished so intensely to be a famous actor. I wanted it so bad that I would literally get stomach aches just daydreaming about all the different roles I could play. I would get anxious about all the philanthropic things I could do with all my money and my influence as a public figure.

But today, there is a large portion of me that just feels content to rent out the basement of this house, do some yard work, hang out with friends and try out new recipes in my kitchen. I no longer dream the "big" dreams. I think about paying off debt and what my next meal will be. I think about when I will see my friends again and when my next trip to see my family will be. I no longer seek the answers to my future. I do my best to listen to my internal voice each and every day and stay in the present moment; that feels good to me. But, there is this small voice inside me that questions my current state of content.

Am I depressed? Am I so overwhelmed by the circumstances of health and finances that I lost my will to dream the "big" dreams? Have I just given up altogether and resigned to live a basic common life? Or am I truly happy?

I know I am grateful. I am grateful for the two furry little felines that share my home and keep me company. I am grateful for friends and family. I am grateful for this beautiful place I call home and I am grateful that I am in a position to rest and take good care of myself without the stress or fatigue of a 9 to 5 job.

But my gratitude does not dismiss the fact that I question the difference between being content and being happy. And even further, my content seems very close to the state of apathy. One thing I do know. I have lived a long life in my 37 years living. Much of which has been highlighted with some form of physical or mental condition but through it all I think I have found a certain strength in knowing that my happiness lies within me. My joy expresses in the relationships I share. My content rests in knowing that every day I try think the most positive uplifting thoughts about life that I possibly can even when those thoughts are not necessarily the most productive; they are still the best I can do at the moment.

So have I lost my ability to dream? I hope not? Have my dreams been resting on the back burner for awhile? Definitely. But I will not discount the possibility that some day I might begin to muse again. Someday I might begin to feel a greater sense of joy that moves beyond contentment and into excitement. Someday I might begin to live out loud again and move beyond this beautiful basement apartment I rent. Someday I might desire to live above ground with more sunshine, a better view and even a career; a dream of my own.

For now, I wrestle with this notion of being content.