Blessing or a Curse?

A few months ago I was made aware of the possibility of getting a large sum of money that I owe forgiven. Without going into all the details it all relied on the presence of a medical history and current day condition. What a tortured feeling it was to be offered forgiveness on nearly 85,000 dollars only because you are identified as being disabled. There is conflicted energy in that for me.

From one point of view I am ecstatic at the prospect of 85,000 pounds of weight being lifted from my shoulders. But on the other hand, accepting this generous gift and what some might call a miracle also relies on my acceptance of my health circumstance and history; being labeled permanently disabled. Ugh!

I try so hard to live a normal life but when I look at how my days have been since the onset of the “disability” I am aware of the huge difference in my days. I am aware that while I am grateful to be alive I get frustrated by my exhaustion. I am aware that I love my ability to dream and fantasize but I get saddened when it’s hard for me to understand the world around me. I am open and willing to experience love in my life but fearful of the prospect of rejection because of my limitations. Yes, I am aware that those limitations all spring forth from my own scared and frightened awareness that my life could end suddenly and there are so many things I still want to experience.

So why is it that I have not seized this opportunity for renewed life and accepted a new phase of experience from a differently-abled existence? Why is that I think and ponder, fantasize and agonize to the point of paralyzing myself from getting out into the world and experiencing it all?

I will tell you why. Because I am fearful that it will all be taken away from me again.

The same reason that when contacted about the forgiveness of an enormous amount of debt I kept my mouth shut and barely told a soul. Because I was fearful that if too many people found out about it would somehow be taken away from me and I would once again be burdened with 85,000 pounds of weight on my shoulders.

85,000 pounds, the love of my life, building a home, creating a great career, enjoying my life, celebrating each day, seizing every moment; it may sound corny to some or inspirational to others. But to me, it sounds absolutely horrifying.

I want that to change.