Sunday afternoon I received a phone call from my neurologist.  He had good news.  My MRI showed no change from my previous scan over 5 years ago.  I had a fantasy that he would call me confused and baffled by the fact that my current MRI revealed a total and complete healing of all the scars in my brain.  I also had a fear that he might require me to come visit him in person to get the results because there was something new that showed up, perhaps a diagnosis of MS, or even more bleeding.  But that was not the case.  His phone call landed right in the middle.  Same old, same old!  Sometimes the status quo is just enough to make me smile.  

All is good.  

Now on to the next phase of increased medications to manage the increased seizures.  Keep moving forward, Kevin.  Keep moving forward.  

What a week.  It seems like I have experienced more seizures in the last 6 months than I have in a very long time.  To be completely honest, this week, I am completely over it.  I know other people have worse issues and I am grateful for the life that I do have.  Things could definitely be worse.  But today, today I am sad.  Sad and tired of feeling lost and confused during the day.  Sad and tired of feeling like I am losing my mind slowly.  I would imagine tomorrow I will feel better. I usually do.  But today, I am just sleepy, groggy and not willing to put up a fight.  My trip to the grocery store was a little unnerving.  I forgot my list and without my list I was lost.  Lost in thought, lost in what I was doing there and lost in my own anxiety that I just might have a seizure in the middle of the store and wake up with an EMT standing over me.  But that did not happen.  I got a few things for today and came right home.

So I sit here, with my cat, Gracie.  She keeps purring and crawling on top of me and that makes me feel a little better.  For now, I am going to take Bella, (my friends dog) for a short walk on this beautiful day and just breathe.   I will do what I need to shift my attitude, but I am going to allow myself to be sad for now.  Life is full of peaks and valleys.

Shiny penny.

Some days I feel like a shiny new penny.  Whether I be part of the collection a little boy that delightfully adds me to his piggy bank for future dreams or I become a world traveler stowed away in pocketbooks, wallets, dashboard compartments or the tatter coin purse of a little old lady making her way to the local Kroger.  There is great expectation in the life of a shiny new penny.  So much unknown, so much to see to reflect, worlds to encounter and even joy to bring when I am left on an abandoned parking lot driveway.

Waiting, waiting, waiting for that lucky optimist to pick me and notice I am heads-up.  Yes, its true, most days I wake feeling like a shiny penny, filled with promise and expectation.

But then there are days like yesterday.   Days that my shiny new finish feels tarnished; even sticky from the soft drink spilled on me last week, or the chewed gum stuck to my tails just wont let go.   Days when my shiny finish feels insignificant among the lint, fuzz and crinkled up receipt crowding me in a dark drawer.   There are days that no matter how shiny my new finish might be, the absence of light leaves no reflection for my shiny finish to glow.  On these days, I remember that it cost more to make me than I am actually worth and I tarnish myself.

Wishing, wishing, wishing that somehow my shiny finish will somehow make it through to the next day when perhaps that drawer is opened and I am given the opportunity to shine in the sun.  Wishing and dreaming for the day that I can flip proudly in the air, landing in the palm of some hand that will honor and cherish my wisdom,  Heads or Tails.  Both have merit.  Both have wisdom. Both are always present with me.

But days like yesterday.  Days like yesterday when the expectation to be all I can be, shine as bright as I can, dispel wisdom to myself or to others are all lost to me.  Lost to me from the lint in my head and the sticky gum at my tail.

Today, I remember that some days I do get to shine in the sun, some days I do get to travel the world, some days I even get polished and cleaned by an enthusiastic child adding me to their collection.  

Sometimes shiny.
Sometimes tarnished.
Sometimes just wading through the lint, fuzz, sticky gum and crinkled up receipts.  
But deep down, I will always be a shiny new penny from head to tail.  

How big a God can you see?

Written Fall 2010

In the fall, the oak tree drops acorns on the ground. The acorn lay dormant for the winter but come spring it begins to grow. It gestates and readies itself to release from beneath the soil its first stem. That stem grows to support foliage and with ease and natural order that acorn grows to its full potential; an oak tree. This process occurs naturally and beautifully as all the elements of nature conspire to support growth. The rain falls, the soil nurtures and the sun warms the tree; each contributing to the creation of beauty and the strength.

You asked me to share how big a God can I see? This same force of nature that transformed the small acorn into a grand oak tree, is the same force of nature that yields the forces of thunderstorms, the same that creates the breathtaking views of the Grand Canyon and the exact same force that brings a smile to a child’s face. How big a God can I see? I see a God so big that it is present in the purr of my cats while it attends to the thoughts and dreams of a soldier abroad. I see a God so big that it constantly and consistently creates each and every molecule and cell in the universe. I see a God that creates musicals, writes plays and books and entertains. I see a God that inspires, supports and gives energy and life-force to be expressed artistically. I see a God that celebrates every cell of the universe, a God so present that all things manifest through it. I see a God with its power and law clearly pushing the buttons of creation to formulate words. I know that God is in every sunrise, every word spoken and every thought given. I witness the changing leaves out my window and behold the magnificence of God in the minutest things. I understand that each leaf with God’s presence within, combined with all other aspects of the tree, the landscape and the skies create a spectacular visual experience and harmonic vibration of grandeur. The same power that creates the changing leaves generates the wonder and force of Niagara Falls.

If this God I know is truly the power and presence behind all things then I too am a complete materialization of its ability. As I witness God’s creative power in my environment I am acutely aware that all things creative flowing through me. Feeling the influence of natural order on my thoughts I trust the evolving Spirit of life’s inspiration to flow through me. I embrace my union with this creative God and trust that the same focus and ease of nature’s creation is mine to behold as there is only One-Mind and One-Power flowing through all things.

Awakening from the fog...

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling lost and confused.  I managed to get through some "details" of the day that needed my attention.  Calling in for a refill, talking with my nurse to clarify a few things about my medications but mostly I called her because I was lonely and a little scared.  Yesterday, turned out to be a day of confusion and misfires in my brain.  A general haze came over me mid afternoon and I suddenly found myself in my home with no understanding or concept of what was real.  This confusion lingered most of the day even as I spoke with a few close friends on the phone.  "are you OK?" "Kevin, it sounds like your not all there, whats going on?"

Of course, Mom called me to talk and she always knows when something is wrong with me.   She told me she loved me and would check in with me later when I got through the groggy fog of my neurological systems misfires.

Today, I feel warn out.  Warn out from the extra medications I took to cease the revolving currents in my brain.  Warn out from the apparent misfires and disconnects that create the fog and confusion.  Warn out from my lack of activity and rest  my body needed to squelch the tremors on the right side of my body  To be able to wake up this morning feeling groggy from meds, but clearer in thought.   Each day I wake, knowing that all will be well.  But within those days, I experience days like yesterday, when all might be well in the Spirit of my life, but all is chaotic in the neurological system of my life.  Life is confusing and cloudy and language seems like a lost art form slipping from lips with each conversation I attempt.

I know today that I will continue to do my best to allow the passage of these events to release from my system with grace and ease.  I do my best to stay positive and keep my chin up.  But sometimes, its just dam hard to do so.

My intention for the future is that my body's need for retreating from life for an entire afternoon, day or even a few days dissipates with grace and ease and I continue to experience life with an open heart, with optimism, with compassion for myself and my body and acceptance in the understanding that even though some days seem to be worse than others, there are still always days filled with joy, activity, friendships and wonder.  There are always days that I feel better that the day before.