Awakening from the fog...

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling lost and confused.  I managed to get through some "details" of the day that needed my attention.  Calling in for a refill, talking with my nurse to clarify a few things about my medications but mostly I called her because I was lonely and a little scared.  Yesterday, turned out to be a day of confusion and misfires in my brain.  A general haze came over me mid afternoon and I suddenly found myself in my home with no understanding or concept of what was real.  This confusion lingered most of the day even as I spoke with a few close friends on the phone.  "are you OK?" "Kevin, it sounds like your not all there, whats going on?"

Of course, Mom called me to talk and she always knows when something is wrong with me.   She told me she loved me and would check in with me later when I got through the groggy fog of my neurological systems misfires.

Today, I feel warn out.  Warn out from the extra medications I took to cease the revolving currents in my brain.  Warn out from the apparent misfires and disconnects that create the fog and confusion.  Warn out from my lack of activity and rest  my body needed to squelch the tremors on the right side of my body  To be able to wake up this morning feeling groggy from meds, but clearer in thought.   Each day I wake, knowing that all will be well.  But within those days, I experience days like yesterday, when all might be well in the Spirit of my life, but all is chaotic in the neurological system of my life.  Life is confusing and cloudy and language seems like a lost art form slipping from lips with each conversation I attempt.

I know today that I will continue to do my best to allow the passage of these events to release from my system with grace and ease.  I do my best to stay positive and keep my chin up.  But sometimes, its just dam hard to do so.

My intention for the future is that my body's need for retreating from life for an entire afternoon, day or even a few days dissipates with grace and ease and I continue to experience life with an open heart, with optimism, with compassion for myself and my body and acceptance in the understanding that even though some days seem to be worse than others, there are still always days filled with joy, activity, friendships and wonder.  There are always days that I feel better that the day before.